There are countless courses and studies on humanitarian aid and international development. Studies -Books -Subjects, some to choose optional, others to visit mandatory. Throughout most of my life, I have looked up and admired those people calling themselves humanitarians. Yes, those people, who work in places, the world seems to have given up on. Working under extreme conditions, taking sometimes huge risks and certainly sacrificing any feeling of easiness on their professional journey.
Today, others see me as one of them, but there are moments, I start feeling hesitant to call myself a humanitarian. Back then, during studies, they told us, about the frustration we are going to encounter, the powerlessness we would feel towards all the suffering and the times we will feel we failed to provide the assistance we imagined to bring to so called “people in need”. Of course, the practical advice of senior humanitarians was not missing during classes, such as “focus on the small things“, or „don’t let yourself be dragged down, because you aim to save this entire world – you simply can’t and the earlier you accept this, the less damage you will suffer.”
During the HEAT training, we learned, how to cope under extreme stress and pressure. What to do when there is shooting and bombing. How to behave at an unknown checkpoint, what to say and what not and how to increase the probability of staying alive during an ambush.
So, when I started, I felt I know something. The first mission showed me, how much I actually don’t know and with each additional mission I feel even more confused.
When you arrive to a disaster zone, you will feel nothing but overwhelmed. When you arrive to a war zone, you will struggle to keep together all the complex realities you will face on a daily basis. The shootings at night, the checkpoint controls, the weapons you see circulating everywhere, followed by a nice afternoon with barbecue at the beach (of course, while you always keep in mind where you would hide yourself in case of an attack).
If I would have to give a score about practice meeting taught theory, I would say 8 out of 10. Not bad you will think. Indeed, not bad, I would agree with you.
I am still hesitant to call myself a humanitarian anymore. Arriving to many missions I started to realize that people are working in this field with very different motivations. Of course, this itself is not reprehensible. But the missing reflection on those motivations is what burdens.
Whereas if, I would call myself a humanitarian of the Nexus generation. But I don’t see much of Nexus happening on the ground. But I do witness, power imbalance, vast failure to take into consideration the way communities including national colleagues shape their lives through different perspectives and values. I don’t say those values would never collide with my own values; they sometimes do – no secret. But I believe, working as humanitarian also means to take back a step and be able to let go of what you think is right or wrong. In order to enable this necessary space to open up, thus leaving place to encounter each other.
Only one person speaking, is what I would call a monolog. Two persons speaking to each other, is what I would call a dialogue. I often miss dialogue, I often miss people being curious enough to ask questions and humble enough to listen to the answers, even if those might lead to other challenges.
I am still hesitant to call myself a humanitarian anymore, because I am not here to save lives.
I am here to learn listening, to what you choose to tell me.
Lisa Macheiner 